In the moments I escape my two kids, when it’s not for work, I have a strange compulsion. I feel the need to make it known to those I encounter, either subtly or in conversation, that I indeed have children.
Whether it be going to the shops, a health appointment, to get a pedicure, swim laps, attend a daytime event or dining at a restaurant the feeling is there. The more self-care focused it is, the worse it gets.
I’m not sure if I’m seeking validation that I’m doing the hard yards and therefore deserve this time. Want others to know that I don’t get to do this alone stuff often and have earnt it.
Or if I want to be perceived as a mum always - that my puffy, unmade-up eyes and stained clothes are all a by-product of putting my kids first.
When I write these columns my husband is my sounding board and first sub-editor, he usually relates to the topic but this is the first time he hasn’t. It seems to be a particular brand of mother guilt because when I sheepishly texted a long-time friend and mum of two to ask if she feels like this and she wrote back rapid fire, “Oh my gosh all the time! Especially when I see another mum with kids, I want to scream I HAVE KIDS TOO!”
We both agreed in those moments we attempt an ‘I feel ya’ smile to the other mum but fear we come across as a judgemental young person who doesn’t understand what it’s like to have kids. “I just want everyone to know this isn’t like my life, I am normally at home wiping someone else’s bum,” she added.
Parenting author Maggie Dent says this kind of alone time should be central for all parents so we can be more effective and compassionate towards our kids, and in turn model self-care for our children. She urges mums to “consciously seek and slay the guilt monster every day” in whatever form it shows up.
As published in Village Voice February 2024